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2007-09-08 | final thoughts on bioshock
Bioshock is hands down my game of the year. That's right, I said it. I was looking forward to coming home from work and firing this bad boy up throughout the entire experience. Last time that happened was RE4 and God of War(s.) I'm not just saying this because it uses our technology or because I'm friends with some of the team members, no, it is in fact a phenomenal blend of well paced horror, narrative, action and meta RPG moments.
The best part about the game is the fact that the majority of the narrative is what I like to call, simply "passive narrative." There's a recording on a desk, there's a painting or a picture on the wall - you want to ignore them as a gamer, fine, you won't get any story. But you know what? Few people would ignore them and if a person is that determined to undermine the coolness of their interactive experience they're going to find a way. Hell you can walk out of a movie or eject a DVD if you don't want to find out what happens in a film.
Anyways, on to my highlights and strange observations about the whole experience. These are somewhat spoiler filled so turn back now if you haven't played most of the title.
Let's first talk about Mr. Nip Tuck aka "Plastic Surgeon Dude."
I've always said that there's a huge value to be had in an non player character yelling at the player. Ever since the first Medal of Honor when my CO was yelling "GO GO GO GET UP THE BEACH NOOOOW" I've had a deep appreciation for getting virtually screamed at.
So when I was finally able to fight the plastic surgeon character (which in the grand scheme of boss battles really just seemed like a regular splicer with 5x the hitpoints) I found myself cringing as he was running around the room all willy nilly and screaming at me that I'm fat and that I'm ugly and that I really shouldn't have pounded down that case of Tasty Kakes. This will be the only boss character in videogame history that will drive teenaged girl gamers to go on the Oral B diet and start with botulism shots to the forehead early.
I was secretly hoping that he'd be followed up with the "You're not popular and your mom dresses you funny" boss and then "you've got a tiny penis I’m going to go back to my jackrabbit" ex wife characters.
Moving on, and more importantly, does anyone really want to fire bees at anyone in a videogame?
I don't understand how this brainstorming session went down. Like, I get freezing people and shattering them with your wrench... that's cool... I get setting people ablaze, because, you know, it's pretty funny. (Well, except when it's a monk setting himself on fire on purpose in order to protest a war or something like that.)
In the words of my hair twin Dane Cook - "Fuck bees. I'll punch bees in the face. Who gets killed by bees?"
Are your foes even allergic to the bees? What about gluten? Could I throw some wheat at them and watch them swell up like Will Smith in "Hitch?"
More importantly, who WANTS to shoot bees? So bullets aren't fun enough, we want to shoot... bees? They're not even killer wasps or spiders. A spider gun would be good because, hey, who wants spiders crawling all over them. (No, you weird people at the exotic animal show do not count and no Morgan Webb neither do you - what's wrong with you people can't you see that spiders are fucking evil?) Anyways, the spiders could bite your foe and start cocooning them up in a silky web while they scream "OH GOD GET THEM OFF OF ME TWO LEGS GOOD EIGHT LEGS BAD!"
Oooh that's good, hang on, I have to open GAMEIDEAS.TXT.
Fuck, I'll even take Army Ants. They gave McGuyver a hell of a run way back in the 80's, what, with the crawling and the chewing and armyness.
Or even poo on a stick. You could go up to a tree and break off a little branch and find fresh piles of dog doo doo to poke the stick in. Then your character would go around like Eddie Murphy in Raw chanting "Doo doo. Gonna put it on youuuu." Even the biggest baddest foe would turn tail and run. You want to know how to beat the Brumak in Gears PC? Find the poo on the stick. But keep in mind that there's a timer on it because the stick poo will dry up and lose its effectiveness requiring repeated pokes back in the piles of shit.
This is my plea to the development community - stop with the fucking bee guns. Or at least let me use them to squeeze some honey out to get extra health or something; let me zap my foes to put them in a bee suit looking like an extra from a Telemundo talk show.
Now, telekenesis - this is some awesome stuff right here. Bioshock has, hands down, the best implementation of telekenesis I've seen in a game - Half Life 2 and Psi Ops have been beaten. Offhandedly switching between weapon and mind control = pure rock.
Granted, that doesn't mean that I was always able to utilize it perfectly.
There were many a time when I found myself cornered by a Big Daddy and I'd use my amazing mental skillz to suck up and prepare what I thought was a nearby explosive barrel when suddenly I'd launch a fucking MILK CARTON right at his big stinky dive helmet.
"TAKE THIS ROSIE! HOPE YOU'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT BITCH!"
If only later I could somehow make the daddy have a peanut allergy and toss an empty canister of Peter Pan at him. (Oh, snap, if I had the poo I could leave out the stick and sling feces like a monkey without getting my hands dirty!)
My favorite part of the game, however, was Fort Frolic. While that's a great name that features lots of cool alliteration I'd really rather just call it "Camp Schenanegins" since that's the kind of stuff that went down in there. (A side quest where you have to find 45 pieces of flair could have fit in nicely..hmmmm.) There wasn't so much frolicking as there was beating people to death and setting them on fire all backed by Bobby Darin's "Beyond the Sea." There was something Shining-esque about the entire scenario, what, with the old style music building to a crescendo in the background, pipe wrench in hand as batshit splicers leap towards me wailing maniacally. ("Mama Loves Mambo", while nice, didn't quite resonate as creepily as the previous song.)
Also, the "Would you kindly" reveal moment was pure "Usual Suspects" - top moment in gaming history, bar none. And to then find the audio log of the woman kindly snapping the dog's neck... absolutely amazing work. It's that kind of work that separates and elevates this medium above all others and goes on to prove that videogaming is the coolest thing to come along since the Heineken Keg Can.
Now would you kindly go and pre-order Unreal Tournament 3 already?
Bioshock is hands down my game of the year. That's right, I said it. I was looking forward to coming home from work and firing this bad boy up throughout the entire experience. Last time that happened was RE4 and God of War(s.) I'm not just saying this because it uses our technology or because I'm friends with some of the team members, no, it is in fact a phenomenal blend of well paced horror, narrative, action and meta RPG moments.
The best part about the game is the fact that the majority of the narrative is what I like to call, simply "passive narrative." There's a recording on a desk, there's a painting or a picture on the wall - you want to ignore them as a gamer, fine, you won't get any story. But you know what? Few people would ignore them and if a person is that determined to undermine the coolness of their interactive experience they're going to find a way. Hell you can walk out of a movie or eject a DVD if you don't want to find out what happens in a film.
Anyways, on to my highlights and strange observations about the whole experience. These are somewhat spoiler filled so turn back now if you haven't played most of the title.
Let's first talk about Mr. Nip Tuck aka "Plastic Surgeon Dude."
I've always said that there's a huge value to be had in an non player character yelling at the player. Ever since the first Medal of Honor when my CO was yelling "GO GO GO GET UP THE BEACH NOOOOW" I've had a deep appreciation for getting virtually screamed at.
So when I was finally able to fight the plastic surgeon character (which in the grand scheme of boss battles really just seemed like a regular splicer with 5x the hitpoints) I found myself cringing as he was running around the room all willy nilly and screaming at me that I'm fat and that I'm ugly and that I really shouldn't have pounded down that case of Tasty Kakes. This will be the only boss character in videogame history that will drive teenaged girl gamers to go on the Oral B diet and start with botulism shots to the forehead early.
I was secretly hoping that he'd be followed up with the "You're not popular and your mom dresses you funny" boss and then "you've got a tiny penis I’m going to go back to my jackrabbit" ex wife characters.
Moving on, and more importantly, does anyone really want to fire bees at anyone in a videogame?
I don't understand how this brainstorming session went down. Like, I get freezing people and shattering them with your wrench... that's cool... I get setting people ablaze, because, you know, it's pretty funny. (Well, except when it's a monk setting himself on fire on purpose in order to protest a war or something like that.)
In the words of my hair twin Dane Cook - "Fuck bees. I'll punch bees in the face. Who gets killed by bees?"
Are your foes even allergic to the bees? What about gluten? Could I throw some wheat at them and watch them swell up like Will Smith in "Hitch?"
More importantly, who WANTS to shoot bees? So bullets aren't fun enough, we want to shoot... bees? They're not even killer wasps or spiders. A spider gun would be good because, hey, who wants spiders crawling all over them. (No, you weird people at the exotic animal show do not count and no Morgan Webb neither do you - what's wrong with you people can't you see that spiders are fucking evil?) Anyways, the spiders could bite your foe and start cocooning them up in a silky web while they scream "OH GOD GET THEM OFF OF ME TWO LEGS GOOD EIGHT LEGS BAD!"
Oooh that's good, hang on, I have to open GAMEIDEAS.TXT.
Fuck, I'll even take Army Ants. They gave McGuyver a hell of a run way back in the 80's, what, with the crawling and the chewing and armyness.
Or even poo on a stick. You could go up to a tree and break off a little branch and find fresh piles of dog doo doo to poke the stick in. Then your character would go around like Eddie Murphy in Raw chanting "Doo doo. Gonna put it on youuuu." Even the biggest baddest foe would turn tail and run. You want to know how to beat the Brumak in Gears PC? Find the poo on the stick. But keep in mind that there's a timer on it because the stick poo will dry up and lose its effectiveness requiring repeated pokes back in the piles of shit.
This is my plea to the development community - stop with the fucking bee guns. Or at least let me use them to squeeze some honey out to get extra health or something; let me zap my foes to put them in a bee suit looking like an extra from a Telemundo talk show.
Now, telekenesis - this is some awesome stuff right here. Bioshock has, hands down, the best implementation of telekenesis I've seen in a game - Half Life 2 and Psi Ops have been beaten. Offhandedly switching between weapon and mind control = pure rock.
Granted, that doesn't mean that I was always able to utilize it perfectly.
There were many a time when I found myself cornered by a Big Daddy and I'd use my amazing mental skillz to suck up and prepare what I thought was a nearby explosive barrel when suddenly I'd launch a fucking MILK CARTON right at his big stinky dive helmet.
"TAKE THIS ROSIE! HOPE YOU'RE LACTOSE INTOLERANT BITCH!"
If only later I could somehow make the daddy have a peanut allergy and toss an empty canister of Peter Pan at him. (Oh, snap, if I had the poo I could leave out the stick and sling feces like a monkey without getting my hands dirty!)
My favorite part of the game, however, was Fort Frolic. While that's a great name that features lots of cool alliteration I'd really rather just call it "Camp Schenanegins" since that's the kind of stuff that went down in there. (A side quest where you have to find 45 pieces of flair could have fit in nicely..hmmmm.) There wasn't so much frolicking as there was beating people to death and setting them on fire all backed by Bobby Darin's "Beyond the Sea." There was something Shining-esque about the entire scenario, what, with the old style music building to a crescendo in the background, pipe wrench in hand as batshit splicers leap towards me wailing maniacally. ("Mama Loves Mambo", while nice, didn't quite resonate as creepily as the previous song.)
Also, the "Would you kindly" reveal moment was pure "Usual Suspects" - top moment in gaming history, bar none. And to then find the audio log of the woman kindly snapping the dog's neck... absolutely amazing work. It's that kind of work that separates and elevates this medium above all others and goes on to prove that videogaming is the coolest thing to come along since the Heineken Keg Can.
Now would you kindly go and pre-order Unreal Tournament 3 already?
2007-08-20 | funny thing is my back is on my cock
Why are you reading this?
Really.
You should be doing one of three things right now:
1. Playing Bioshock
About time someone resurrected the Deus Ex/System Shock formula of Shooter/RPG. This game has it all; depth, beauty, and excitement. It's like meeting the perfect woman if only she happened to like underwater art deco paradises filled with genetic schenanigins, creepy little girls and monsters in dive armor.
Yes, I know this sounds weird if you haven't played the thing but you owe it to yourself to pick it up and give it a go. The audio work in the product is second to none. Now, I'm a sap for that whole Post WW2 music and imagery so I have a bit of a skewed opinion here but man every time I hear a daddy come near or the creepy girl's voice my ass puckers like I'm about to go over a speed bump at 60 miles per hour.
2. Playing Stranglehold
It's funny, I finally feel like developers are finally "getting" next-gen. We're past the transition where they're figuring out the tools and are just able to pump out great product. Here's a game that made me actually want to go back and watch every John Woo movie ever made and reminded me what is so cool about stylized gunfights. From the Mexican standoffs to the Shit Exploding Everywhere this game has it all in spades. Plus this is the rare example of a title where a celebrity endorsing his likeness (Chow Yun Fat) actually enhances the experience. (Previous example was Vin Diesel in "Chronicles of Riddick.")
If the money shot in Gears of War was chainsawing someone then Stranglehold's version of that is shooting guys in the nuts. Seems like the guys at Midway truly got that it doesn't matter how good your graphics are if no one ever sees them- you have to do Cool Stuff (tm) with your camera such as bringing it up close and personal - tracking a bullet as it zips into someone's skull... or baby maker.
Now I know a lot of what is in Stranglehold was in Max Payne before - fuck off - I don't really care. It's been years since Max Payne and dammit I'm quite ready for the original father of ballerina gunplay to come along and show y'all how it's done. Context sensitive slo motion is the bomb and I think I could just sit there and shoot those watermelons over and over all day long.
DISCLAIMER
The above products utilize Unreal Engine 3 which we produce. They just so happen to kick ass and I'm friends with a great deal of the people who worked on them so the least I could do is plug their amazing titles.
3. Watching SUPERBAD. Over and over and over.
I was *this* close to getting "McLovin" on my license plate the night before this movie came out but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There'd be two kinds of people in this world - those who saw the movie and get the joke and think it's the greatest plate of all time or those that think I'm cockmaster 2000 and would proceed to throw eggs and salami at me.
So, I didn't do it.
But this is the movie of the year. Start to finish filled with amazing, raunchy, as god himself intended physical nasty comedy. A few high school geeks trying to get booze just so they can get laid - what's more American than that?
This is the Napoleon Dynamite of the year except for the fact that this movie is actually funny. The kid who plays Mclovin steals every shot he's in ("I got a boner!" "Break yoself fool!") and the uncomfortable interactions between the boys and the girls play out extremely well. I missed a good collection of one liners because everyone in the theater was laughing uncontrollably.
This warrants a repeated viewing. I will buy the extended platinum hyper alpha deluxe edition of this film the day it hits DVD and I will continue to gush to everyone I meet about it.
Go, see it, and love it for I AM MCLOVIN'!
Why are you reading this?
Really.
You should be doing one of three things right now:
1. Playing Bioshock
About time someone resurrected the Deus Ex/System Shock formula of Shooter/RPG. This game has it all; depth, beauty, and excitement. It's like meeting the perfect woman if only she happened to like underwater art deco paradises filled with genetic schenanigins, creepy little girls and monsters in dive armor.
Yes, I know this sounds weird if you haven't played the thing but you owe it to yourself to pick it up and give it a go. The audio work in the product is second to none. Now, I'm a sap for that whole Post WW2 music and imagery so I have a bit of a skewed opinion here but man every time I hear a daddy come near or the creepy girl's voice my ass puckers like I'm about to go over a speed bump at 60 miles per hour.
2. Playing Stranglehold
It's funny, I finally feel like developers are finally "getting" next-gen. We're past the transition where they're figuring out the tools and are just able to pump out great product. Here's a game that made me actually want to go back and watch every John Woo movie ever made and reminded me what is so cool about stylized gunfights. From the Mexican standoffs to the Shit Exploding Everywhere this game has it all in spades. Plus this is the rare example of a title where a celebrity endorsing his likeness (Chow Yun Fat) actually enhances the experience. (Previous example was Vin Diesel in "Chronicles of Riddick.")
If the money shot in Gears of War was chainsawing someone then Stranglehold's version of that is shooting guys in the nuts. Seems like the guys at Midway truly got that it doesn't matter how good your graphics are if no one ever sees them- you have to do Cool Stuff (tm) with your camera such as bringing it up close and personal - tracking a bullet as it zips into someone's skull... or baby maker.
Now I know a lot of what is in Stranglehold was in Max Payne before - fuck off - I don't really care. It's been years since Max Payne and dammit I'm quite ready for the original father of ballerina gunplay to come along and show y'all how it's done. Context sensitive slo motion is the bomb and I think I could just sit there and shoot those watermelons over and over all day long.
DISCLAIMER
The above products utilize Unreal Engine 3 which we produce. They just so happen to kick ass and I'm friends with a great deal of the people who worked on them so the least I could do is plug their amazing titles.
3. Watching SUPERBAD. Over and over and over.
I was *this* close to getting "McLovin" on my license plate the night before this movie came out but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. There'd be two kinds of people in this world - those who saw the movie and get the joke and think it's the greatest plate of all time or those that think I'm cockmaster 2000 and would proceed to throw eggs and salami at me.
So, I didn't do it.
But this is the movie of the year. Start to finish filled with amazing, raunchy, as god himself intended physical nasty comedy. A few high school geeks trying to get booze just so they can get laid - what's more American than that?
This is the Napoleon Dynamite of the year except for the fact that this movie is actually funny. The kid who plays Mclovin steals every shot he's in ("I got a boner!" "Break yoself fool!") and the uncomfortable interactions between the boys and the girls play out extremely well. I missed a good collection of one liners because everyone in the theater was laughing uncontrollably.
This warrants a repeated viewing. I will buy the extended platinum hyper alpha deluxe edition of this film the day it hits DVD and I will continue to gush to everyone I meet about it.
Go, see it, and love it for I AM MCLOVIN'!
2007-07-15 | I squish your head!
I punched a lot of people in the head in the city of Santa Monica last week. No, I wasn't in a bar fight or holding off the various agressive bums, I was playing a handful of titles that I was able to find time for while out there for E3. We were well staffed at the show so every now and then I was able to pop over to an adjacent kiosk and play another game.
Highlights included Bioshock which is shaping up nicely. The atmosphere in this title is second to none and the play is smooth and solid. I whipped through the first demo without much trouble and then proceeded to take down a Big Daddy in the second, much to the dismay of the person staffing the kiosk. My mad FPS skills came through yet again.
The little bit I was able to kick around in Crysis turned out to be a lot of fun. The graphics were slick and the vehicles seemed fun but the ultimate back of the box feature was that I was able to run up to guys, hit USE and then lift them up by their necks and toss them at other fools. But the fun doesn't stop there - while holding this poor fella in a death grip I can hit FIRE and PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD repeatedly. I found this to be quite a bit sick and, well, kinda fun in a bullied sort of way.
The next day I snuck into a demo for the sequel to the best game that was marketed horribly at the 360's launch - Condemned - and I've got to say that the sequel is shaping up to be yet another glorious journey into madness. The player's character is an alcoholic murdering sonofabitch - you can actually flip people off in first person while then proceeding to get into a brutal fight involving fists, boards (that you can now toss!) and finishing moves. I chuckled when my "hero" broke a guy's arm and then held him as a human shield as the other foe slung a 2x4 at him - he then yelled out in pain as the board hit him. We then saw the poor sap's head driven into a tube television.
Stranglehold is looking slick and as underhyped as ever. Everything's destroyable in the game and they actually have a Mexican Standoff mode complete with slo motion - and birds everywhere. What's not to love?
Anyways, I was well rehearsed for my stage demo - apparently doing this without a teleprompter is a big deal even though my script was relatively short - and I felt ready to go. Rod was driving backstage, I was going to do my Hood Ornament duty song and dance, play the game, and close and walk off. Easy enough, right? Well, during rehearsal the Brumak was well behaved; the thing would hang back and we could easily control the flow of the battle. Showtime? Not so much. The Brumak was rabid and ready for blood and the second we came around the corner and saw the beast Rod goes down. I'm getting pummeled by gunfire as I try to make my way around to save him - keep in mind I'm doing this while the beast is chasing me, flashbulbs are going off, and 1000 journalists are watching. I get him back up, continue the fight, and he goes down AGAIN. (To be fair, Rod claims he was "adding drama" - against a rabid monster.) Finally I get what I want - the Brumak firing his payload of rockets at me so I can dive out of the way and cockblock the crowd's witnessing the conclusion to the fight. Wrap, send Peter Moore out, go backstage and get hands on with Assassin's Creed. (Free running is the shit, thanks Ubi folks! Sorry about making fun of that other game later in the night...)
My problem with e3 is that I'm horrible with names. There's a lot of "Hey you!" or "Dude how are ya!?" going on because I feel too horrible about not remembering who these great people are. Some times it takes a few meetings for the name to stick.
As I sat in the plane coming back from LA to then Dallas and finally Raleigh I realized I was getting back to the south when the group of locals started getting horribly excited about the sights they could see from the plane in their best, thickest drawl. Suddenly I was craving vinegar based BBQ and glad to be home.
Oh, before I sign off, some quick thoughts on Transformers since everyone seems to be asking - I give it a B-. It was solid, it didn't anally rape my childhood, and it was what it was. Megan Fox is crazily beautiful but as a friend of mine pointed out her performance was less than stellar. Hold your face very still and flatly say "you drive, I'll shoot" and you know what I mean. Also, I don't think that girl is physically capable of closing her mouth which was probably by design by Mr. Bay because he knew that every male in the audience was imagining his tubesteak all up in her grille.
The movie was a bit too cutesy. Megatron took too long to come out of stasis and thank GOD they didn't kill Prime again. When he started with all of that talk about "I might need to sacrifice myself" I was about to walk out. (Also, Bumblebee taking a piss? Come on!) John Turturro and our hero's mother nearly stole the show and Shia Lebouf was amazing.
I punched a lot of people in the head in the city of Santa Monica last week. No, I wasn't in a bar fight or holding off the various agressive bums, I was playing a handful of titles that I was able to find time for while out there for E3. We were well staffed at the show so every now and then I was able to pop over to an adjacent kiosk and play another game.
Highlights included Bioshock which is shaping up nicely. The atmosphere in this title is second to none and the play is smooth and solid. I whipped through the first demo without much trouble and then proceeded to take down a Big Daddy in the second, much to the dismay of the person staffing the kiosk. My mad FPS skills came through yet again.
The little bit I was able to kick around in Crysis turned out to be a lot of fun. The graphics were slick and the vehicles seemed fun but the ultimate back of the box feature was that I was able to run up to guys, hit USE and then lift them up by their necks and toss them at other fools. But the fun doesn't stop there - while holding this poor fella in a death grip I can hit FIRE and PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD repeatedly. I found this to be quite a bit sick and, well, kinda fun in a bullied sort of way.
The next day I snuck into a demo for the sequel to the best game that was marketed horribly at the 360's launch - Condemned - and I've got to say that the sequel is shaping up to be yet another glorious journey into madness. The player's character is an alcoholic murdering sonofabitch - you can actually flip people off in first person while then proceeding to get into a brutal fight involving fists, boards (that you can now toss!) and finishing moves. I chuckled when my "hero" broke a guy's arm and then held him as a human shield as the other foe slung a 2x4 at him - he then yelled out in pain as the board hit him. We then saw the poor sap's head driven into a tube television.
Stranglehold is looking slick and as underhyped as ever. Everything's destroyable in the game and they actually have a Mexican Standoff mode complete with slo motion - and birds everywhere. What's not to love?
Anyways, I was well rehearsed for my stage demo - apparently doing this without a teleprompter is a big deal even though my script was relatively short - and I felt ready to go. Rod was driving backstage, I was going to do my Hood Ornament duty song and dance, play the game, and close and walk off. Easy enough, right? Well, during rehearsal the Brumak was well behaved; the thing would hang back and we could easily control the flow of the battle. Showtime? Not so much. The Brumak was rabid and ready for blood and the second we came around the corner and saw the beast Rod goes down. I'm getting pummeled by gunfire as I try to make my way around to save him - keep in mind I'm doing this while the beast is chasing me, flashbulbs are going off, and 1000 journalists are watching. I get him back up, continue the fight, and he goes down AGAIN. (To be fair, Rod claims he was "adding drama" - against a rabid monster.) Finally I get what I want - the Brumak firing his payload of rockets at me so I can dive out of the way and cockblock the crowd's witnessing the conclusion to the fight. Wrap, send Peter Moore out, go backstage and get hands on with Assassin's Creed. (Free running is the shit, thanks Ubi folks! Sorry about making fun of that other game later in the night...)
My problem with e3 is that I'm horrible with names. There's a lot of "Hey you!" or "Dude how are ya!?" going on because I feel too horrible about not remembering who these great people are. Some times it takes a few meetings for the name to stick.
As I sat in the plane coming back from LA to then Dallas and finally Raleigh I realized I was getting back to the south when the group of locals started getting horribly excited about the sights they could see from the plane in their best, thickest drawl. Suddenly I was craving vinegar based BBQ and glad to be home.
Oh, before I sign off, some quick thoughts on Transformers since everyone seems to be asking - I give it a B-. It was solid, it didn't anally rape my childhood, and it was what it was. Megan Fox is crazily beautiful but as a friend of mine pointed out her performance was less than stellar. Hold your face very still and flatly say "you drive, I'll shoot" and you know what I mean. Also, I don't think that girl is physically capable of closing her mouth which was probably by design by Mr. Bay because he knew that every male in the audience was imagining his tubesteak all up in her grille.
The movie was a bit too cutesy. Megatron took too long to come out of stasis and thank GOD they didn't kill Prime again. When he started with all of that talk about "I might need to sacrifice myself" I was about to walk out. (Also, Bumblebee taking a piss? Come on!) John Turturro and our hero's mother nearly stole the show and Shia Lebouf was amazing.
2007-07-01 | Virginia is for Lovers... but not Valentines!
I don't consider myself to be a crazy speed demon. I mean, I'll get to 50-60 quickly and maybe zip around in short bursts but overall I'm a pretty damned responsible driver. Thankfully I've acquired a pair of Valentine One radar detectors - while not cheap, they certainly get the job done of giving you a chance against speed traps. (Sure, speed can kill, but it's often speed mixed with distractions, booze, or phone calls that make for that lethal mix.)
This weekend I drove up to Washington DC from Raleigh to enjoy (and make an appearance at) the "Videogames Live" concert. Tommy Tallarico is a gaming industry vet who, along with Jack Wall, put on a phenomenal show that features a live symphony orchestra playing all sorts of game music. A good time was had by all but I've got to say that while I'm certain Virginia is a lovely state (with more than its own share of Cracker Barrels and Hardees and billboards) it certainly seems like I95 is the ultimate antithestis of the Autobahn in Germany.
First, you're not allowed to have radar detectors in the state. So, once you cross the state line you'd better get rid of the darned thing or risk ... fines? Imprisonment? Caning like in Singapore? Streisand records? Second, approximately every three to five miles there's a state trooper or local cop perched out waiting to bust a speeder.
The state knows this and apparently the biggest problem that it has is people going 15 over. Every 10 miles there are ominous signs saying "SPEED TRACKED BY AIRCRAFT" which really got me to thinking - did I see one aircraft the entire stretch of I95? If not, are there C130s six miles up using night vision goggles to bust speeders or something? Do they radio down to the cops that they've got a bogey cruising along at 78 MPH and that they've got to stop him before he reaches the next Waffle House and drives even faster when hopped up on maple syrup and bacon grease?
Is this really the best use of Your Tax Dollars? Really? There aren't, like, meth labs exploding somewhere in the sticks outside of the highway that need attending to?
Fuck it. Next time I'm flying. I'd like to spend more time in DC proper as well as Georgetown because the entire area looked like shades of pure urban charm and fun.
I don't consider myself to be a crazy speed demon. I mean, I'll get to 50-60 quickly and maybe zip around in short bursts but overall I'm a pretty damned responsible driver. Thankfully I've acquired a pair of Valentine One radar detectors - while not cheap, they certainly get the job done of giving you a chance against speed traps. (Sure, speed can kill, but it's often speed mixed with distractions, booze, or phone calls that make for that lethal mix.)
This weekend I drove up to Washington DC from Raleigh to enjoy (and make an appearance at) the "Videogames Live" concert. Tommy Tallarico is a gaming industry vet who, along with Jack Wall, put on a phenomenal show that features a live symphony orchestra playing all sorts of game music. A good time was had by all but I've got to say that while I'm certain Virginia is a lovely state (with more than its own share of Cracker Barrels and Hardees and billboards) it certainly seems like I95 is the ultimate antithestis of the Autobahn in Germany.
First, you're not allowed to have radar detectors in the state. So, once you cross the state line you'd better get rid of the darned thing or risk ... fines? Imprisonment? Caning like in Singapore? Streisand records? Second, approximately every three to five miles there's a state trooper or local cop perched out waiting to bust a speeder.
The state knows this and apparently the biggest problem that it has is people going 15 over. Every 10 miles there are ominous signs saying "SPEED TRACKED BY AIRCRAFT" which really got me to thinking - did I see one aircraft the entire stretch of I95? If not, are there C130s six miles up using night vision goggles to bust speeders or something? Do they radio down to the cops that they've got a bogey cruising along at 78 MPH and that they've got to stop him before he reaches the next Waffle House and drives even faster when hopped up on maple syrup and bacon grease?
Is this really the best use of Your Tax Dollars? Really? There aren't, like, meth labs exploding somewhere in the sticks outside of the highway that need attending to?
Fuck it. Next time I'm flying. I'd like to spend more time in DC proper as well as Georgetown because the entire area looked like shades of pure urban charm and fun.
2007-06-06 | thunder, ho!
With Bay's "Transformer's" adaptation shaping up to be the blockbuster of the summer it only seems obvious that "Thundercats" is on the block to be remade as another whizz bang mega budget production.
::shrug::
Can't blame 'em. I spent nearly as much time watching this 'toon as a child as I did watching Optimus and crew. I mean, you can Youtube the opening credits of Thundercats and you know what? The opening credits hold up rather well. The animation is full of Anime stylizations, the music, while cheesy, is exciting, and you get a great sense of the entire universe in 120 seconds.
All this entertainment while gnawing on a bowl of sugar cereal and keeping an eye out for the schoolbus pulling up outside. Too much excitement for a kid!
So we have Lion-O with his Sword of Omens which, when push comes to shove, is bascially a giant metaphor for an erection. (He even yells out "Thundercats, Ho!" when he's at full mast.) Then there's Panthro who's the "Black cat" of the crew - he's bald and he has kitty nunchucks. Plus I think in one episode he wielded a wrench which is a close second to coolest weapon evar. There was the lame Tiger guy who no one gave a shit about as well as Wiley Kit and Wiley Kat who were the cartoon's equivilent of Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch who just served to act as annoying kids.
Here's a tip, folks: When I'm a kid watching a badass cartoon I don't want to see more kids. I want to see bad motherfucking pussy kicking Mum Raa ass. Yeah, their foe was an angry mummy who somehow became roided out and then yelled a lot. He also had a ton of crazy shemes on how to defeat those pesky cats (who, by the way, lived in a giant cat castle... wonder if there were litterboxes?)
And then there was Cheetarah who ranks in my top three 80's fantasies along with Kelly LeBrock and the ho that was on the hood of Whitesnake's car. There was just something so kinky about her little kitty costume; watching that show every morning in a sugar induced high was like Halloween in Chapel Hill every year. Hot chick in cat costume?
Check.
She wields a giant stick?
Check.
Unitard?
Oh yes.
Speaking of pets, Wyeth at work today claimed that he had a friend who had a Pug whose eyeball popped out. Apparently this is a common thing amongst animals that look like they've repeatedly been used as crash test dummies for 84 Fords. To add insult to injury it would seem as if the dog ATE HIS OWN EYEBALL.
(You know, kind of like that crazy homeless elf lady from The Dark Crystal.)
A'ight, back to Mario Party 832 1/2.
With Bay's "Transformer's" adaptation shaping up to be the blockbuster of the summer it only seems obvious that "Thundercats" is on the block to be remade as another whizz bang mega budget production.
::shrug::
Can't blame 'em. I spent nearly as much time watching this 'toon as a child as I did watching Optimus and crew. I mean, you can Youtube the opening credits of Thundercats and you know what? The opening credits hold up rather well. The animation is full of Anime stylizations, the music, while cheesy, is exciting, and you get a great sense of the entire universe in 120 seconds.
All this entertainment while gnawing on a bowl of sugar cereal and keeping an eye out for the schoolbus pulling up outside. Too much excitement for a kid!
So we have Lion-O with his Sword of Omens which, when push comes to shove, is bascially a giant metaphor for an erection. (He even yells out "Thundercats, Ho!" when he's at full mast.) Then there's Panthro who's the "Black cat" of the crew - he's bald and he has kitty nunchucks. Plus I think in one episode he wielded a wrench which is a close second to coolest weapon evar. There was the lame Tiger guy who no one gave a shit about as well as Wiley Kit and Wiley Kat who were the cartoon's equivilent of Cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch who just served to act as annoying kids.
Here's a tip, folks: When I'm a kid watching a badass cartoon I don't want to see more kids. I want to see bad motherfucking pussy kicking Mum Raa ass. Yeah, their foe was an angry mummy who somehow became roided out and then yelled a lot. He also had a ton of crazy shemes on how to defeat those pesky cats (who, by the way, lived in a giant cat castle... wonder if there were litterboxes?)
And then there was Cheetarah who ranks in my top three 80's fantasies along with Kelly LeBrock and the ho that was on the hood of Whitesnake's car. There was just something so kinky about her little kitty costume; watching that show every morning in a sugar induced high was like Halloween in Chapel Hill every year. Hot chick in cat costume?
Check.
She wields a giant stick?
Check.
Unitard?
Oh yes.
Speaking of pets, Wyeth at work today claimed that he had a friend who had a Pug whose eyeball popped out. Apparently this is a common thing amongst animals that look like they've repeatedly been used as crash test dummies for 84 Fords. To add insult to injury it would seem as if the dog ATE HIS OWN EYEBALL.
(You know, kind of like that crazy homeless elf lady from The Dark Crystal.)
A'ight, back to Mario Party 832 1/2.
2007-06-02 | what's for dinner?
Why are we living in a world in which food is judged by the adjective that it's described by over the actual taste and quality?
Everything these days is Sun Dried, Fire Roasted, Peppercorn Encrusted, Hand Cracked, Super Seared, Toasted Drizzled Tossed Split Hacked Licked Sucked Fucked and Broken.
What ever happened to "food."
I ate at a local restaurant recently that had, as an appetizer, the "Hot Bowl" which I have subsequently renamed into the "Giant Bowl of Kickassed Awesomeness." And that's how it should be.
I'm a bit of a foodie and over the years I've found that the best food is usually at the nicest restaurants or the tiniest little filthy hole in the wall places. There's this amazing BBQ (Carolina BBQ, mind you) location out our way called "Ole Time." Their slogan, which I heartily approve of, is "A Great Place to get Porked."
::snicker::
Anyways, the owner is a grizzled biker guy named Jerry Hart (sounds like a pro wrestler, I know) and his voice kind of sounds like Billy Bob's in "Sling Blade." Every time we go there he welcomes us and I can imagine that the inside of his throat is filled with barbed wire, bike chains, and bacon grease.
And on the menu at Ole Time? No silly names. Just good ol pork that looks like it's been run through a shredder like poor Steve Buscemi in "Fargo."
I don't know about you but hell... that sure makes me hungry.
p.s. Halo 3 has a Brute Chopper. Frankie, that gives me wood.
Why are we living in a world in which food is judged by the adjective that it's described by over the actual taste and quality?
Everything these days is Sun Dried, Fire Roasted, Peppercorn Encrusted, Hand Cracked, Super Seared, Toasted Drizzled Tossed Split Hacked Licked Sucked Fucked and Broken.
What ever happened to "food."
I ate at a local restaurant recently that had, as an appetizer, the "Hot Bowl" which I have subsequently renamed into the "Giant Bowl of Kickassed Awesomeness." And that's how it should be.
I'm a bit of a foodie and over the years I've found that the best food is usually at the nicest restaurants or the tiniest little filthy hole in the wall places. There's this amazing BBQ (Carolina BBQ, mind you) location out our way called "Ole Time." Their slogan, which I heartily approve of, is "A Great Place to get Porked."
::snicker::
Anyways, the owner is a grizzled biker guy named Jerry Hart (sounds like a pro wrestler, I know) and his voice kind of sounds like Billy Bob's in "Sling Blade." Every time we go there he welcomes us and I can imagine that the inside of his throat is filled with barbed wire, bike chains, and bacon grease.
And on the menu at Ole Time? No silly names. Just good ol pork that looks like it's been run through a shredder like poor Steve Buscemi in "Fargo."
I don't know about you but hell... that sure makes me hungry.
p.s. Halo 3 has a Brute Chopper. Frankie, that gives me wood.
2007-05-25 | viral news
I have a confession.
I wake up with CNN. I've never been much of a morning person and groggily reaching over for the remote (after pushing the dog off of my now numb arm) and fumbling for the remote to get some stimuli is a daily ritual.
Usually the show that's on is "Robin and Company," starring the so well put together talking head Robin Meade. (She looks CG; it's amazing.) Anyways, I started noticing over the last year or so that at least half of the reporting that's on CNN is about - or inspired by - the internet.
Why am I seeing badly compressed viral videos on my CNN news feed? I can head over to Youtube or Useless Junk for that stuff. And now they've decided to make a show out of this called "News to Me" in which they track down the people behind these videos and ask them questions like "What did you think would happen when you lit yourself on fire and decided to skateboard off of the Hoover Dam without a parachute?"
I find it interesting - and a bit frightening - that we've got this tail wagging the dog sort of thing going on. User driven content - Web 2.0 kind of stuff - is causing a massive shakeup in traditional news. This is the digital era where anyone from a fat kid with a lightsaber to a faux "Lonely Girl" can become a super star.
And the irony of it all is that I'm ranting about all of this on, yes, my blog.
Time to enjoy my hot Carolina weekend! (I think I just got roped into Pirates 3 when I have Ichi the Killer and Tideland sitting at home unopened.)
I have a confession.
I wake up with CNN. I've never been much of a morning person and groggily reaching over for the remote (after pushing the dog off of my now numb arm) and fumbling for the remote to get some stimuli is a daily ritual.
Usually the show that's on is "Robin and Company," starring the so well put together talking head Robin Meade. (She looks CG; it's amazing.) Anyways, I started noticing over the last year or so that at least half of the reporting that's on CNN is about - or inspired by - the internet.
Why am I seeing badly compressed viral videos on my CNN news feed? I can head over to Youtube or Useless Junk for that stuff. And now they've decided to make a show out of this called "News to Me" in which they track down the people behind these videos and ask them questions like "What did you think would happen when you lit yourself on fire and decided to skateboard off of the Hoover Dam without a parachute?"
I find it interesting - and a bit frightening - that we've got this tail wagging the dog sort of thing going on. User driven content - Web 2.0 kind of stuff - is causing a massive shakeup in traditional news. This is the digital era where anyone from a fat kid with a lightsaber to a faux "Lonely Girl" can become a super star.
And the irony of it all is that I'm ranting about all of this on, yes, my blog.
Time to enjoy my hot Carolina weekend! (I think I just got roped into Pirates 3 when I have Ichi the Killer and Tideland sitting at home unopened.)
2007-05-08 | detail oriented
Those of you who read my blog know that in addition to gaming I'm a bit of a movie buff. Now that the summer film season is in full swing I felt obligated to line up for the one and only Spiderman 3 this past weekend. Not only did I catch this flick I caught it in the glory that is IMAX...
In the second row. It's now Tuesday night and I think my neck has finally recovered from whiplash. I literally had to move my head around to see what was going on. Cool in some ways... not so much in others...
Anyways, yeah, the movie was okay, but I had a few problems with it.
First, where was Venom's enormous tongue? Whenever he appeared in the comics he'd always have this enormous slobber ridden thing slopping out of his grille, flying everywhere like a labrador with its head hanging out of the side of an SUV. Nada. Kaput. I just wanted a little Spidey Super Villian tongue action and instead every time I saw that nasty shark face it quickly melted away into Topher Grace with bad prosthetic teeth.
Second, the world needs more Parker Posey.
Third, Kirsten Dunst's snaggle tooth is about the size of a 21 inch spinning rim when viewed on Imax. The thing looked like the tip of a big canine iceberg, ready to come out of the screen and chew me up into bits. Poor girl even had a pimple on her chin in one scene which appeared to be the size of my fist and would probably yield a good half gallon of ooze if popped.
Others noticed the "straggler hair' poking off of James Franco's shoulder in one scene. You know, we all get it, that one over ambitious hair gland that decides that it's going to work day and night to outpace all of the other hair glands so one day you wind up with a two foot long strand hanging off of your back which you then decide to hang onto to see just how long the damned thing will grow. (Perhaps you can lower it from your bedroom window like Rapunzel to allow suiters to come up and visit.)
I also swear that during one scene I actually saw powdered donut residue on the side of Franco's mouth.
Anyways, rumors about a Spidey 4 are already spreading like wildfire on the net. Some are claiming that Mandy Moore will take over for Mary Jane to which I say "Bravo!" I haven't found Kirsten Dunst hot since "Interview with the Vampire."
Just kidding, feds.
Let's hope Mandy negotiates to have some money put into the budget to allow for some computer generated donut dust and pimple remover because, quite frankly, that's all I was noticing half the time.
p.s. Dear Motorola: Please make a battery for my Q that lasts more than 6 hours. If the battery that I paid extra to die on me is the 'extended' life I fear for any sucker running around with the 'regular' life.
Those of you who read my blog know that in addition to gaming I'm a bit of a movie buff. Now that the summer film season is in full swing I felt obligated to line up for the one and only Spiderman 3 this past weekend. Not only did I catch this flick I caught it in the glory that is IMAX...
In the second row. It's now Tuesday night and I think my neck has finally recovered from whiplash. I literally had to move my head around to see what was going on. Cool in some ways... not so much in others...
Anyways, yeah, the movie was okay, but I had a few problems with it.
First, where was Venom's enormous tongue? Whenever he appeared in the comics he'd always have this enormous slobber ridden thing slopping out of his grille, flying everywhere like a labrador with its head hanging out of the side of an SUV. Nada. Kaput. I just wanted a little Spidey Super Villian tongue action and instead every time I saw that nasty shark face it quickly melted away into Topher Grace with bad prosthetic teeth.
Second, the world needs more Parker Posey.
Third, Kirsten Dunst's snaggle tooth is about the size of a 21 inch spinning rim when viewed on Imax. The thing looked like the tip of a big canine iceberg, ready to come out of the screen and chew me up into bits. Poor girl even had a pimple on her chin in one scene which appeared to be the size of my fist and would probably yield a good half gallon of ooze if popped.
Others noticed the "straggler hair' poking off of James Franco's shoulder in one scene. You know, we all get it, that one over ambitious hair gland that decides that it's going to work day and night to outpace all of the other hair glands so one day you wind up with a two foot long strand hanging off of your back which you then decide to hang onto to see just how long the damned thing will grow. (Perhaps you can lower it from your bedroom window like Rapunzel to allow suiters to come up and visit.)
I also swear that during one scene I actually saw powdered donut residue on the side of Franco's mouth.
Anyways, rumors about a Spidey 4 are already spreading like wildfire on the net. Some are claiming that Mandy Moore will take over for Mary Jane to which I say "Bravo!" I haven't found Kirsten Dunst hot since "Interview with the Vampire."
Just kidding, feds.
Let's hope Mandy negotiates to have some money put into the budget to allow for some computer generated donut dust and pimple remover because, quite frankly, that's all I was noticing half the time.
p.s. Dear Motorola: Please make a battery for my Q that lasts more than 6 hours. If the battery that I paid extra to die on me is the 'extended' life I fear for any sucker running around with the 'regular' life.
2007-04-29 | no glowsticks at this rave
While attending the Wired Rave awards in lovely San Francisco the other day I had the pleasure of meeting a plethora of amazing people. (Tim and I won for engine and game, you know, because I'm the only person who worked on the product. /sarcasm)
First off was the gentleman outside the SFMOMA who had a sign that said "United Negro Pizza Fund" which made me giggle and then feel kind of bad.
Architects, bloggers, pundits, scientists, designers, and there in the middle of this is Tim and I wearing dot matrix scrolling nametags with a 12 foot by 12 foot printout of the article behind us. I was honored and thrilled and slightly embarassed all at once. Kind of like if you won the spelling bee and accidentally farted onstage right when you squeaked out the last letters to the word "Blasphemer."
I was finally able to meet Brad Bird and tell him what a wonderful piece of work "The Iron Giant" is. (For those of you who have not seen this film, turn off the computer and go. Buy it now.) His response? "Oh! You're a Robot Guy."
What does that mean? A Robot Guy? Like I impersonate an android and make my middle fingers rise complete with android foley sounds or that I have a sex doll that looks like the girl in Metropolis?
Actually, Brad, I'm an Autobot guy. And no, Brad, I didn't have the balls to kick Michael Bay in the nuts when I had the chance although I have to be honest when all is said and done I do think that Transformers is going to be a hell of a cool popcorn movie. Even if Optimus Prime has lips. (If Arcee is in the movie will she have Robo Labia? I can see a spinoff series already in the vein of "Steel Magnolias" starring female transformers, it'd be called "Iron Curtains.")
I was able to catch up with Will Wright at the event and his charming significant other. We chatted about life, dogs, real estate, and lots of other ordinary topics. Not the kind of conversation one would expect two very different game designers to have in the middle of a high tech cultural happening.
I also met the guy from www.justin.tv who happens to be broadcasting his entire life, 24/7 on the internet via a camera attached to his head. Upon getting home and reading an article about the fellow in Newsweek I realized that I wasn't the only one two ask the two most frequently asked questions.
Number one: How do you go to the bathroom?
Number two: What happens when you're having hot monkey sex?
Does he have some sort of real time blurring software that updates his feed depending on how much pink is detected? Does he have a masking algorithm that scrambles the signal when his pants are taken off?
Nah.
Justin apparently just moves the camera over a little bit. Go figure.
The highlight of the night was coyly passing on meeting Arianna Huffington because, to be quite honest, my knowledge of politics comes from Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and the odd glance at the paper. (Some days when you could meet someone so well established and you know you have nothing to say to them it's okay to just let the chance pass.) Better to let them think you're a doofus than open your mouth and confirm it, I say.
The next morning when I was reading the paper on the way to return to lovely Raleigh I saw, right there, that Justin was being evicted from his condo. Guess the fellow had a wee bit too much fun while the world was watching...
While attending the Wired Rave awards in lovely San Francisco the other day I had the pleasure of meeting a plethora of amazing people. (Tim and I won for engine and game, you know, because I'm the only person who worked on the product. /sarcasm)
First off was the gentleman outside the SFMOMA who had a sign that said "United Negro Pizza Fund" which made me giggle and then feel kind of bad.
Architects, bloggers, pundits, scientists, designers, and there in the middle of this is Tim and I wearing dot matrix scrolling nametags with a 12 foot by 12 foot printout of the article behind us. I was honored and thrilled and slightly embarassed all at once. Kind of like if you won the spelling bee and accidentally farted onstage right when you squeaked out the last letters to the word "Blasphemer."
I was finally able to meet Brad Bird and tell him what a wonderful piece of work "The Iron Giant" is. (For those of you who have not seen this film, turn off the computer and go. Buy it now.) His response? "Oh! You're a Robot Guy."
What does that mean? A Robot Guy? Like I impersonate an android and make my middle fingers rise complete with android foley sounds or that I have a sex doll that looks like the girl in Metropolis?
Actually, Brad, I'm an Autobot guy. And no, Brad, I didn't have the balls to kick Michael Bay in the nuts when I had the chance although I have to be honest when all is said and done I do think that Transformers is going to be a hell of a cool popcorn movie. Even if Optimus Prime has lips. (If Arcee is in the movie will she have Robo Labia? I can see a spinoff series already in the vein of "Steel Magnolias" starring female transformers, it'd be called "Iron Curtains.")
I was able to catch up with Will Wright at the event and his charming significant other. We chatted about life, dogs, real estate, and lots of other ordinary topics. Not the kind of conversation one would expect two very different game designers to have in the middle of a high tech cultural happening.
I also met the guy from www.justin.tv who happens to be broadcasting his entire life, 24/7 on the internet via a camera attached to his head. Upon getting home and reading an article about the fellow in Newsweek I realized that I wasn't the only one two ask the two most frequently asked questions.
Number one: How do you go to the bathroom?
Number two: What happens when you're having hot monkey sex?
Does he have some sort of real time blurring software that updates his feed depending on how much pink is detected? Does he have a masking algorithm that scrambles the signal when his pants are taken off?
Nah.
Justin apparently just moves the camera over a little bit. Go figure.
The highlight of the night was coyly passing on meeting Arianna Huffington because, to be quite honest, my knowledge of politics comes from Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and the odd glance at the paper. (Some days when you could meet someone so well established and you know you have nothing to say to them it's okay to just let the chance pass.) Better to let them think you're a doofus than open your mouth and confirm it, I say.
The next morning when I was reading the paper on the way to return to lovely Raleigh I saw, right there, that Justin was being evicted from his condo. Guess the fellow had a wee bit too much fun while the world was watching...
2007-04-03 | mother (fucking) nature
Every year around this time the fine area in which I live (down south, y'all!) is covered in a thick layer of pollen or, as Phil would call it "Tree Spooge."
(I thought Tree Spooge was sap. Or maybe that's tree blood. I'm lost...)
So the irony of this phenomenon is that the weather is absolutely amazing but at the same time you're not really able to open up your windows at home or in your car because the foul greenish yellow powder will infiltrate every possible surface imaginable.
On Saturday I was sitting outside while using my phone and I could actually see the tiny bits of pollen attaching to the screen. I wanted to rip out my eyeballs with my bare hands due to the itchiness that this flora spunk was causing me but, alas, I endured and popped another antihistamine and pushed through my day, bleary eyed not from alcohol indulgence but from nature's semen.
(God forbid you leave your car out underneath a tree or you'll wind up with Arbor Day Bukkake Fest.)
Apparently M. Night Shyamalan's next movie is about the planet striking back at humanity. For those of you that don't know the game "Doom" was originally titled "It's Green and Pissed" which I believe would be a perfect title for this film.
Anyways, I believe I'm stuck in that very scenario at this moment. In addition to the pollen outside a pair of very angry geese have decided to make a nest in close proximity to our parking lot here at work. Upon rolling up this morning I stepped out of my pollen covered car and was greeted by a hissing grey goose (and no, that's not a shot) who proceeded to try to bite me in the johnson.
I fear the next wave which will probably involve tree branches collapsing on my head as I run around Lake Johnson.
p.s. Speaking of Earth watch "Planet Earth" on Discovery. This show in HD is the most compelling television I've seen in years. Every frame is just jaw dropping.
p.s.s. My Moblog will be back soon.
Every year around this time the fine area in which I live (down south, y'all!) is covered in a thick layer of pollen or, as Phil would call it "Tree Spooge."
(I thought Tree Spooge was sap. Or maybe that's tree blood. I'm lost...)
So the irony of this phenomenon is that the weather is absolutely amazing but at the same time you're not really able to open up your windows at home or in your car because the foul greenish yellow powder will infiltrate every possible surface imaginable.
On Saturday I was sitting outside while using my phone and I could actually see the tiny bits of pollen attaching to the screen. I wanted to rip out my eyeballs with my bare hands due to the itchiness that this flora spunk was causing me but, alas, I endured and popped another antihistamine and pushed through my day, bleary eyed not from alcohol indulgence but from nature's semen.
(God forbid you leave your car out underneath a tree or you'll wind up with Arbor Day Bukkake Fest.)
Apparently M. Night Shyamalan's next movie is about the planet striking back at humanity. For those of you that don't know the game "Doom" was originally titled "It's Green and Pissed" which I believe would be a perfect title for this film.
Anyways, I believe I'm stuck in that very scenario at this moment. In addition to the pollen outside a pair of very angry geese have decided to make a nest in close proximity to our parking lot here at work. Upon rolling up this morning I stepped out of my pollen covered car and was greeted by a hissing grey goose (and no, that's not a shot) who proceeded to try to bite me in the johnson.
I fear the next wave which will probably involve tree branches collapsing on my head as I run around Lake Johnson.
p.s. Speaking of Earth watch "Planet Earth" on Discovery. This show in HD is the most compelling television I've seen in years. Every frame is just jaw dropping.
p.s.s. My Moblog will be back soon.
2007-02-15 | same shit, different city
I’ve long been a fan of Mike Judge’s work. There were about five years straight – back in the day – where a day seldom went by that I didn’t impersonate Beavis or his good companion Butthead. I was to “heh heh hehs” as Canadians were to Poutine and Eh.
Luckily I never had to live the life that Mr. Judge depicted in “Office Space.” Having a career in videogames has allowed me to steer clear of the bullshit of TPS reports although I can attest to the odd Swingline stapler injury from time to time. (Well that and a tiny welt from a Nerf gun.)
And here, my internet addicted attention whore peers, is why I’m going to encourage you to see “Idiocracy,” his latest masterpiece. Just like “Office Space” the studio that released the film didn’t really know what to make of this movie and, well, just kind of let it hit theaters for a day before it died on the vine.
My appreciation for this movie grew on a recent trip to Las Vegas where, once again I stayed at the “Green Valley Ranch” which is well known from the TV series “American Casino” as well as being just far enough off of the strip to be horribly difficult to acquire a cab… and just long enough for you to drunkenly spill your guts on camera to a great listener of a cabbie who happens to work for HBO. The other great thing about the Green Valley Ranch is that everyone thinks you’re going to the “Bunny Ranch” which apparently is the best known whorehouse in all of Nevada.
But I wouldn’t know that.
Perhaps they intended for Green Valley to be removed from the desert shenanigans or perhaps they wanted an oasis within an oasis. A snake eating itself kind of thing, a big middle finger to the rest of Las Vegas. “Fuck Freemont Street, stay out here!”
I don’t know. But I do know that upon pulling up to the Ranch it found itself surrounded with the Same Shit that I’m seeing everywhere else, the Same Shit that’s spreading through America like a virus. There was a PF Chang’s, a Cheesecake Factory, and an REI. In short, I flew 2000 miles to get off the plane and see the Same Shit that I can see a mile down the road.
(And to think I didn’t have time to get to In and Out Burger.)
Am I the only one that finds it ironic that in a nation of ever increasing obesity and credit card debt we have ever more stores filled with oodles of Extreme Outdoor Shit You Don’t Need? These stores are not tiny, no, they’re monolithic caverns of paddles and canteens and Under Armor motion capture spandex suits. Camel backpacks and bike locks and nutrition bars.
Given a choice I’ll always take the mom and pop stores over the giant chains.
Anyways, the three main things you need to know about Idiocracy are that:
There’s a character named “Beef Supreme” which makes me giggle like a kid every time I hear it
A money shot matte painting of a Costco in the future steals the show
“Masturbating” in the future is simply called “Baitin’.”
(One of these nights I’ll get around to watching “The Departed.”)
I’ve long been a fan of Mike Judge’s work. There were about five years straight – back in the day – where a day seldom went by that I didn’t impersonate Beavis or his good companion Butthead. I was to “heh heh hehs” as Canadians were to Poutine and Eh.
Luckily I never had to live the life that Mr. Judge depicted in “Office Space.” Having a career in videogames has allowed me to steer clear of the bullshit of TPS reports although I can attest to the odd Swingline stapler injury from time to time. (Well that and a tiny welt from a Nerf gun.)
And here, my internet addicted attention whore peers, is why I’m going to encourage you to see “Idiocracy,” his latest masterpiece. Just like “Office Space” the studio that released the film didn’t really know what to make of this movie and, well, just kind of let it hit theaters for a day before it died on the vine.
My appreciation for this movie grew on a recent trip to Las Vegas where, once again I stayed at the “Green Valley Ranch” which is well known from the TV series “American Casino” as well as being just far enough off of the strip to be horribly difficult to acquire a cab… and just long enough for you to drunkenly spill your guts on camera to a great listener of a cabbie who happens to work for HBO. The other great thing about the Green Valley Ranch is that everyone thinks you’re going to the “Bunny Ranch” which apparently is the best known whorehouse in all of Nevada.
But I wouldn’t know that.
Perhaps they intended for Green Valley to be removed from the desert shenanigans or perhaps they wanted an oasis within an oasis. A snake eating itself kind of thing, a big middle finger to the rest of Las Vegas. “Fuck Freemont Street, stay out here!”
I don’t know. But I do know that upon pulling up to the Ranch it found itself surrounded with the Same Shit that I’m seeing everywhere else, the Same Shit that’s spreading through America like a virus. There was a PF Chang’s, a Cheesecake Factory, and an REI. In short, I flew 2000 miles to get off the plane and see the Same Shit that I can see a mile down the road.
(And to think I didn’t have time to get to In and Out Burger.)
Am I the only one that finds it ironic that in a nation of ever increasing obesity and credit card debt we have ever more stores filled with oodles of Extreme Outdoor Shit You Don’t Need? These stores are not tiny, no, they’re monolithic caverns of paddles and canteens and Under Armor motion capture spandex suits. Camel backpacks and bike locks and nutrition bars.
Given a choice I’ll always take the mom and pop stores over the giant chains.
Anyways, the three main things you need to know about Idiocracy are that:
There’s a character named “Beef Supreme” which makes me giggle like a kid every time I hear it
A money shot matte painting of a Costco in the future steals the show
“Masturbating” in the future is simply called “Baitin’.”
(One of these nights I’ll get around to watching “The Departed.”)
2007-02-05 | adver-bowl
I've never been much of a football fan - I'm more of a hockey kind of guy. However, once a year I make an exception for the mother of all television events, the Super Bowl. Even then, I don’t watch the game for the actual sport of it all. No, I watch the game to witness the competition amongst Madison Avenue’s finest.
My favorite commercials this year were:
Etrade, “One Finger”
Surprisingly edgy for a financial institution, this ad outlines all of the uses for a finger, from plugging a dyke to identifying a murderer to giving the grandest gesture of them all. Well paced and edited, it feels crisp, cool, and lighthearted. (Wait, am I supposed to sign onto Etrade.com now?)
“Map Wars”
Was this commercial for a GPS device? I’m not quite sure, because I can barely see the screen due to my giant boner for the giant rubber suit Japanese-Ultraman style combat unfolding in front of me with 80’s hair band metal blaring in the background. The guy starts fighting with his map in a manner similar to the black and white infomercial “tired of old fill in the blank” black and white flashbacks. The thing becomes a giant monster. He uses his GPS to transform into a giant superhero and fend it off! Cue the band! Pure awesomeness is had by all.
GM’s “Obsessed with Quality”
Stop the presses; I think I just felt a rush of empathy for a factory assembly line robot! Not since Pixar’s classic “Luxo Jr.” (in which desk lamps come to life) have I seen such personality breathed into a dull metallic being. The screws rotated perfectly to suggest depression, the arm shrugging in on itself, all building into the poor thing leaping off of a bridge a watery grave (where it would likely just sit at the bottom of the river for eons like Haley Joel Osmet in “AI,” waiting to be uncovered by aliens…) So good! Somehow this commercial made me want a manic depressive assembly robot toy. You know, it also reminded me of a childhood spent picking up Lego with my “Armatron.”
Honorable mention goes to “Careerbuilder.com” and their series of the work week envisioned ala “Lord of the Flies.” Hilarity ensues when guys are running around in the jungle covered in post-its and those industrial sized thick black paper clips.
Finally, I don’t care what anyone says, Prince is still the coolest son of a bitch around.
I've never been much of a football fan - I'm more of a hockey kind of guy. However, once a year I make an exception for the mother of all television events, the Super Bowl. Even then, I don’t watch the game for the actual sport of it all. No, I watch the game to witness the competition amongst Madison Avenue’s finest.
My favorite commercials this year were:
Etrade, “One Finger”
Surprisingly edgy for a financial institution, this ad outlines all of the uses for a finger, from plugging a dyke to identifying a murderer to giving the grandest gesture of them all. Well paced and edited, it feels crisp, cool, and lighthearted. (Wait, am I supposed to sign onto Etrade.com now?)
“Map Wars”
Was this commercial for a GPS device? I’m not quite sure, because I can barely see the screen due to my giant boner for the giant rubber suit Japanese-Ultraman style combat unfolding in front of me with 80’s hair band metal blaring in the background. The guy starts fighting with his map in a manner similar to the black and white infomercial “tired of old fill in the blank” black and white flashbacks. The thing becomes a giant monster. He uses his GPS to transform into a giant superhero and fend it off! Cue the band! Pure awesomeness is had by all.
GM’s “Obsessed with Quality”
Stop the presses; I think I just felt a rush of empathy for a factory assembly line robot! Not since Pixar’s classic “Luxo Jr.” (in which desk lamps come to life) have I seen such personality breathed into a dull metallic being. The screws rotated perfectly to suggest depression, the arm shrugging in on itself, all building into the poor thing leaping off of a bridge a watery grave (where it would likely just sit at the bottom of the river for eons like Haley Joel Osmet in “AI,” waiting to be uncovered by aliens…) So good! Somehow this commercial made me want a manic depressive assembly robot toy. You know, it also reminded me of a childhood spent picking up Lego with my “Armatron.”
Honorable mention goes to “Careerbuilder.com” and their series of the work week envisioned ala “Lord of the Flies.” Hilarity ensues when guys are running around in the jungle covered in post-its and those industrial sized thick black paper clips.
Finally, I don’t care what anyone says, Prince is still the coolest son of a bitch around.
2007-01-21 | aural sex
If only the weather were shittier I'd find myself blogging more often. A lazy Sunday is only made lazier by a thick blanket of greyness accented with a dash of freeze your balls off. This act is made exponentially more fun while shivering and standing in the cold with a blue plastic baggie wrapped around your hand hoping and praying that your dog drops his steaming payload on the grass.
Alas, I'm not really going to go on about smell. That's another talk for another time. I'm here today to talk about sound. Recently I've been enjoying (read: addicted to) the recent game "Tony Hawk's Project Eight." I had enjoyed previous entries in the Hawk series and I've commented on it before - mainly, the fact that while I've met Mr. Hawk and he seems like an awfully nice (if damn near Yao Ming tall) fella it remains a fact that the majority of the population learned who he was from the video game. The tail most certainly wagged the dog on that one. (Neversoft, I certainly hope Activision paid y'all enough so that you can have a house that's right next to a porn shoot in Woodland Hills.)
Anyways, I'm trying to figure what it is about this title that I find so pleasing and I've narrowed a good chunk of it down to great audio. For some reason the sound of a skateboard tooling around the landscape is an incredibly gratifying one, the wheels rolling over rough pavement transitioning to boardwalk and back to pool tiles is pure bliss.
In a shooter, the gun is your hand - it's how you molest the world. In "Hawk," it's the board.
Think about how important audio feedback is to anything that we do. When we play pool the CRACK of the balls hitting one another is cause to keep playing... the ball rolling down a bowling lane and smashing into a perfect set of pins... the THWACK of a tennis racket knocking a ball back at the opponent... This experience translates throughout all aspects of life - a high end car door closes in a much more snug manner than a cheaper car. It makes a "choonk thoonk."
You get the idea.
Nintendo knew this which is why the Wiimote has a speaker on it. By featuring a motion sensing controller on their latest console they knew that the biggest hurdle would be knowing when the doohickey actually did something. Vibration + Audio = pure sexual chocolate for your mind.
Music wise, good producing means that a pop starlet with an average voice and a tight ass can leverage herself into a successful pop career. Listen to enough music and the production values eventually start emerging. It's the kind of thing that we as consumers can take for granted, hell, it's got a beat and I can dance to it so the pop tart must be the reason I like it...right?
/sarcasm
Critical audio feedback is the main reason why I miss having a Tivo. Someone at that company decided that not only would they have a walking television mascot they'd also have a comfortable remote with bubbly happy buttons on it that made the most exquisite set of bleeps and bloops I've ever heard outside of a 1980's Mattel hand held football game. Pure digital crack. Cut to now where I've got this pile of shit Time Warner DVR (hey, it's all inclusive, so it must be good...right?) which is mute. The thing makes no sound. It's quieter than the child in the movie who chooses to not make a sound until the final moment. More silent than Silent Bob. The damned thing sucks and as of right now I'm missing my Tivo because of that simple level of audio feedback.
So the lesson today is that sound matters. Remember, folks, like anything the best features are the ones that we can easily caricature, impersonate, or make fun of.
If only the weather were shittier I'd find myself blogging more often. A lazy Sunday is only made lazier by a thick blanket of greyness accented with a dash of freeze your balls off. This act is made exponentially more fun while shivering and standing in the cold with a blue plastic baggie wrapped around your hand hoping and praying that your dog drops his steaming payload on the grass.
Alas, I'm not really going to go on about smell. That's another talk for another time. I'm here today to talk about sound. Recently I've been enjoying (read: addicted to) the recent game "Tony Hawk's Project Eight." I had enjoyed previous entries in the Hawk series and I've commented on it before - mainly, the fact that while I've met Mr. Hawk and he seems like an awfully nice (if damn near Yao Ming tall) fella it remains a fact that the majority of the population learned who he was from the video game. The tail most certainly wagged the dog on that one. (Neversoft, I certainly hope Activision paid y'all enough so that you can have a house that's right next to a porn shoot in Woodland Hills.)
Anyways, I'm trying to figure what it is about this title that I find so pleasing and I've narrowed a good chunk of it down to great audio. For some reason the sound of a skateboard tooling around the landscape is an incredibly gratifying one, the wheels rolling over rough pavement transitioning to boardwalk and back to pool tiles is pure bliss.
In a shooter, the gun is your hand - it's how you molest the world. In "Hawk," it's the board.
Think about how important audio feedback is to anything that we do. When we play pool the CRACK of the balls hitting one another is cause to keep playing... the ball rolling down a bowling lane and smashing into a perfect set of pins... the THWACK of a tennis racket knocking a ball back at the opponent... This experience translates throughout all aspects of life - a high end car door closes in a much more snug manner than a cheaper car. It makes a "choonk thoonk."
You get the idea.
Nintendo knew this which is why the Wiimote has a speaker on it. By featuring a motion sensing controller on their latest console they knew that the biggest hurdle would be knowing when the doohickey actually did something. Vibration + Audio = pure sexual chocolate for your mind.
Music wise, good producing means that a pop starlet with an average voice and a tight ass can leverage herself into a successful pop career. Listen to enough music and the production values eventually start emerging. It's the kind of thing that we as consumers can take for granted, hell, it's got a beat and I can dance to it so the pop tart must be the reason I like it...right?
/sarcasm
Critical audio feedback is the main reason why I miss having a Tivo. Someone at that company decided that not only would they have a walking television mascot they'd also have a comfortable remote with bubbly happy buttons on it that made the most exquisite set of bleeps and bloops I've ever heard outside of a 1980's Mattel hand held football game. Pure digital crack. Cut to now where I've got this pile of shit Time Warner DVR (hey, it's all inclusive, so it must be good...right?) which is mute. The thing makes no sound. It's quieter than the child in the movie who chooses to not make a sound until the final moment. More silent than Silent Bob. The damned thing sucks and as of right now I'm missing my Tivo because of that simple level of audio feedback.
So the lesson today is that sound matters. Remember, folks, like anything the best features are the ones that we can easily caricature, impersonate, or make fun of.
2007-01-07 | greet and meat
I had the joy of borrowing the one, the only "Cannibal Holocaust" the other evening and boy oh boy was I in for a treat.
"Cannibal," for those of you that don't know, is a legendary film from somewhere around 79-80 in which a crew of documentary filmmakers venture into the rainforest (aka the "Green Inferno") and proceed to be tortured, raped, killed, and then eaten by cannibals.
The film is considered by many horror affictionados to be a classic in the snuff explotation film genre. The label it's put out by is actually called "Grindhouse" productions which is an homage to the types of theaters that would "grind" through showings of these shows in the 70s. (Hence Tarantino and Rodriguez's upcoming feature "Grindhouse" which features a pair of back to back so over the top cheesy it's good flicks.)
The thing that's so eerie and unsettling about the flick (well, besides watching various real animals killed) is the inconsistency of the effects. Many look super cheesy. Others ... not so much. Some hold up extremely well - possibly because of the gonzo style of filming. I'm not sure what it is, but several bits are creepily good. Especially the gentleman who has his penis cut off by ravenous savages.
Hmmm.
On second thought, unless you're a super mega hardcore classic horror fan I'd suggest skipping this one. Maybe go watch "I Spit On Your Grave."
Back to my affair with my Wii.
(I hope I don't toss the controller through the fucking TV.)
I had the joy of borrowing the one, the only "Cannibal Holocaust" the other evening and boy oh boy was I in for a treat.
"Cannibal," for those of you that don't know, is a legendary film from somewhere around 79-80 in which a crew of documentary filmmakers venture into the rainforest (aka the "Green Inferno") and proceed to be tortured, raped, killed, and then eaten by cannibals.
The film is considered by many horror affictionados to be a classic in the snuff explotation film genre. The label it's put out by is actually called "Grindhouse" productions which is an homage to the types of theaters that would "grind" through showings of these shows in the 70s. (Hence Tarantino and Rodriguez's upcoming feature "Grindhouse" which features a pair of back to back so over the top cheesy it's good flicks.)
The thing that's so eerie and unsettling about the flick (well, besides watching various real animals killed) is the inconsistency of the effects. Many look super cheesy. Others ... not so much. Some hold up extremely well - possibly because of the gonzo style of filming. I'm not sure what it is, but several bits are creepily good. Especially the gentleman who has his penis cut off by ravenous savages.
Hmmm.
On second thought, unless you're a super mega hardcore classic horror fan I'd suggest skipping this one. Maybe go watch "I Spit On Your Grave."
Back to my affair with my Wii.
(I hope I don't toss the controller through the fucking TV.)
2006-12-28 | rockin lobstah
A combination of spending Christmas with my family (formerly of New England) and reading Stephen King's "Cell" has made me miss the hell out of Boston. The entire area has a charm and soul that few places in the 'states have. What other area of the country would spend billions on a giant hole in the ground? The "Big Dig" was a great metaphor for skyrocketing game development costs. The poor woman that was crushed by a giant chunk of concrete falling on her head as she cruised through the tunnel?
I suppose they'll patch it. :)
Anyways, those of you who are from the area know that it's all about Chowder (sorry, "Chowdah") and Lobster. And no, no one wants a Lobster from Australia. That's a long fucking flight for my food to fly in from, thank you very much.
My eldest brother and his wife sent me a Lobster Gram for the holiday. There's a company that will pack up live Maine lobsters and send them to you. It's kind of morbid, really, when you think about it. The lobsters have got to be wondering if they won a trip to Mexico or something when suddenly they're yanked from their transport and tossed in boiling hot water.
I've never had a Lobster Gram delivered before. I expect it to play out something like the classic "Land Shark" sketch on Saturday Night Live.
::knock knock::
"Who's there?"
"Lobstah Gram."
"Really?"
(I peek outside through the hole to see what looks like Cliff Claven from "Cheers" in a giant blurry red crustecean suit.)
"Open the dooah sir."
"You don't look like the FedEx guy."
"Sir, don't be retahded. I got some wicked awesome lobstah here for ya from Maine."
Open door, cue music, and the ex Boston cabbie in a giant lobster outfit proceeds to do a routine about being cracked open and dipped in butter.
(Maybe if I'm lucky he'll bring some Beeah from Cumbahland Fahms.)
Happy Holidays, everyone. :)
A combination of spending Christmas with my family (formerly of New England) and reading Stephen King's "Cell" has made me miss the hell out of Boston. The entire area has a charm and soul that few places in the 'states have. What other area of the country would spend billions on a giant hole in the ground? The "Big Dig" was a great metaphor for skyrocketing game development costs. The poor woman that was crushed by a giant chunk of concrete falling on her head as she cruised through the tunnel?
I suppose they'll patch it. :)
Anyways, those of you who are from the area know that it's all about Chowder (sorry, "Chowdah") and Lobster. And no, no one wants a Lobster from Australia. That's a long fucking flight for my food to fly in from, thank you very much.
My eldest brother and his wife sent me a Lobster Gram for the holiday. There's a company that will pack up live Maine lobsters and send them to you. It's kind of morbid, really, when you think about it. The lobsters have got to be wondering if they won a trip to Mexico or something when suddenly they're yanked from their transport and tossed in boiling hot water.
I've never had a Lobster Gram delivered before. I expect it to play out something like the classic "Land Shark" sketch on Saturday Night Live.
::knock knock::
"Who's there?"
"Lobstah Gram."
"Really?"
(I peek outside through the hole to see what looks like Cliff Claven from "Cheers" in a giant blurry red crustecean suit.)
"Open the dooah sir."
"You don't look like the FedEx guy."
"Sir, don't be retahded. I got some wicked awesome lobstah here for ya from Maine."
Open door, cue music, and the ex Boston cabbie in a giant lobster outfit proceeds to do a routine about being cracked open and dipped in butter.
(Maybe if I'm lucky he'll bring some Beeah from Cumbahland Fahms.)
Happy Holidays, everyone. :)
2006-12-18 | it's electric!
Question: is it so wrong that I find videos of people getting tasered to be so...
...damned funny?
I want an entire website devoted to the art of zapping people. Ninety percent of the videos I've seen usually involve a beliggerent bastard who ignores the police/security request to calm or step down. Moments later the person is on the ground convulsing and making that "MNNNURRRGH" sound repeatedly. The taser-administrator then usually proceeds to say "put your hands behind your back" or something which seems to go in one ear and out the other as the person almost always winds up with another several thousand volts zipping through them.
In other news, I still can't get my hands on a Nintendo Wii for purchase. I was able to play it at a local EB Games with an enthusiastic manager guy who stomped my ass at Excite Truck. (I kept over-compesating the other direction to try to steer and somehow managed to hit every tree on the course.) I checked out "Elebits" at Digital Life this year and couldn't help but wonder what kind of game it might be if you were a rock star on a monster bender trashing your hotel room. Start off in the Holiday Inn and go all the way up to a W and beyond. Add up a the damage or provide a target like the N64 title "Blast Corps" and you've got a companion product for the "Guitar Hero" series.
(This from the guy who wants to see "Trauma Center: Civil War Edition.")
Finally, I am bleeding out the eyeballs to catch the movie "300," based on Frank Miller's work. If you haven't had a chance to see this trailer, stop reading my rants, go to Google, and look it up. This is the most badass trailer I've seen since "Spider Man 2" and the original "Matrix." It makes everything else that's come out in the last year look boring and uninspired. Every time I play the thing I want to run outside with a sword and storm the adjacent office while screaming like a madman with a red cape on like I'm my five year old self pretending to be Superman.
Because, you know, when fighting the armies of the Persian empire you don't need chest armor, just a red cape.
(And maybe a few tasers.)
Question: is it so wrong that I find videos of people getting tasered to be so...
...damned funny?
I want an entire website devoted to the art of zapping people. Ninety percent of the videos I've seen usually involve a beliggerent bastard who ignores the police/security request to calm or step down. Moments later the person is on the ground convulsing and making that "MNNNURRRGH" sound repeatedly. The taser-administrator then usually proceeds to say "put your hands behind your back" or something which seems to go in one ear and out the other as the person almost always winds up with another several thousand volts zipping through them.
In other news, I still can't get my hands on a Nintendo Wii for purchase. I was able to play it at a local EB Games with an enthusiastic manager guy who stomped my ass at Excite Truck. (I kept over-compesating the other direction to try to steer and somehow managed to hit every tree on the course.) I checked out "Elebits" at Digital Life this year and couldn't help but wonder what kind of game it might be if you were a rock star on a monster bender trashing your hotel room. Start off in the Holiday Inn and go all the way up to a W and beyond. Add up a the damage or provide a target like the N64 title "Blast Corps" and you've got a companion product for the "Guitar Hero" series.
(This from the guy who wants to see "Trauma Center: Civil War Edition.")
Finally, I am bleeding out the eyeballs to catch the movie "300," based on Frank Miller's work. If you haven't had a chance to see this trailer, stop reading my rants, go to Google, and look it up. This is the most badass trailer I've seen since "Spider Man 2" and the original "Matrix." It makes everything else that's come out in the last year look boring and uninspired. Every time I play the thing I want to run outside with a sword and storm the adjacent office while screaming like a madman with a red cape on like I'm my five year old self pretending to be Superman.
Because, you know, when fighting the armies of the Persian empire you don't need chest armor, just a red cape.
(And maybe a few tasers.)
2006-11-21 | change-n-stuff
Chris here (that cdebris guy). You may notice the new "Epic Jobs" tab. That'll take you right to Epic's Jobs page. They're hiring, don'tcha know.
Stay tuned for CliffyB.com 3.0
Chris here (that cdebris guy). You may notice the new "Epic Jobs" tab. That'll take you right to Epic's Jobs page. They're hiring, don'tcha know.
Stay tuned for CliffyB.com 3.0
2006-11-21 | denial of candy
Raw.
That's how it feels outside. Wet, nasty, cold, and generally icky.
Time for a dark short film!
1. Go to Itunes store.
2. Go to "short films."
3. Search for "Denial." (artist is "shorts international.")
It's a fifteen minute short written and directed by a guy by the name of Joel Kelly. It stars Brandon Routh (yep, Superman himself) and Courtney Ford.
(Small World Alert: I was in drama class in high school in La Verne, CA with Joel and Courtney. Yes, we were drama nerds back in the day. It panned out so that they stuck to drama and I stuck to nerd. ;) )
The short starts sweet enough and rapidly descends into a very dark place. It's got a Michel Gondry vibe to it... I won't spoil it, just check it out!
Now...
Rare/Microsoft, I must be brutally honest.
I find "Viva Pinata" to be generally kind of creepy and morbid.
I'm watching my girlfriend take a shovel to a pinata. Thwack, thwack, thwack before the thing explodes into an array of candy. The children cheer in the background "yaaaay!" (Are these the kids from "Rule of Rose???" Aaaah!)
The title credits say "a land where Pinatas dream to go to a party" yet I can't help but think... is this like "The Lottery?" Are they excited to go to an event where they're beaten to death?
In addition, the Costalot shopkeeper scares the hell out of me. She looks like some sort of a ceramic baglady Maori warrior with a nasty Mystic tan addiction. Her "Mary Alice" voice only adds to my fear.
The game just has this Burning Man absurdity to it. I can't quite place my finger on it. More importantly, I can't deal with the judgement at work. Co-workers who are busy coding exploding heads walk by in the hall and go "So how's Pinata treating you there buddy?"
If only they knew how upsetting this day-glow world is they'd understand how hardcore I think I am.
Raw.
That's how it feels outside. Wet, nasty, cold, and generally icky.
Time for a dark short film!
1. Go to Itunes store.
2. Go to "short films."
3. Search for "Denial." (artist is "shorts international.")
It's a fifteen minute short written and directed by a guy by the name of Joel Kelly. It stars Brandon Routh (yep, Superman himself) and Courtney Ford.
(Small World Alert: I was in drama class in high school in La Verne, CA with Joel and Courtney. Yes, we were drama nerds back in the day. It panned out so that they stuck to drama and I stuck to nerd. ;) )
The short starts sweet enough and rapidly descends into a very dark place. It's got a Michel Gondry vibe to it... I won't spoil it, just check it out!
Now...
Rare/Microsoft, I must be brutally honest.
I find "Viva Pinata" to be generally kind of creepy and morbid.
I'm watching my girlfriend take a shovel to a pinata. Thwack, thwack, thwack before the thing explodes into an array of candy. The children cheer in the background "yaaaay!" (Are these the kids from "Rule of Rose???" Aaaah!)
The title credits say "a land where Pinatas dream to go to a party" yet I can't help but think... is this like "The Lottery?" Are they excited to go to an event where they're beaten to death?
In addition, the Costalot shopkeeper scares the hell out of me. She looks like some sort of a ceramic baglady Maori warrior with a nasty Mystic tan addiction. Her "Mary Alice" voice only adds to my fear.
The game just has this Burning Man absurdity to it. I can't quite place my finger on it. More importantly, I can't deal with the judgement at work. Co-workers who are busy coding exploding heads walk by in the hall and go "So how's Pinata treating you there buddy?"
If only they knew how upsetting this day-glow world is they'd understand how hardcore I think I am.
2006-11-13 | PINATA!
"Horstashio": When you kill a prostitute and hide her beneath your hotel room bed.
"Horstashio": When you kill a prostitute and hide her beneath your hotel room bed.
2006-11-01 | unreality
After the Gears event in Chapel Hill (Quietdrive = great band) I found myself eating a late, late dinner and watching the costumed folks in downtown stumbling through the frigid evening.
I'm somewhat taken aback, thrilled, and fascinated by how women have managed to out whore each other year after year.
I actually saw a girl doing a version of the "Whipped cream bikini" from "Varsity Blues" strolling down the street. I'm not sure what she used for prop whipped cream but it seemed to be sticking as she managed to avoid getting molested by guys dressed up as Fred Flintstone.
Maybe it was Miracle Whip mixed with paste. Stickier, yet still edible.
For the first time in years I found myself without a costume. I was "guy who shipped product and was in a bit of a daze."
You know, I still have "ghost cord" with my Xbox 360. Whenever someone knocks on the door and Teddy goes running by to bark I consistently cringe, expecting the console to be yanked onto the floor or at least for the controller to be popped out with a TCR message along the lines of "you are Luminessing out a bit too hard; please plug the controller back in."
I think I'm almost used to not being in crunch mode once again. I've been able to enjoy some extracurricular activities for the first time in weeks including catching a few flicks.
"Saw 3" was weak sauce. Torture without context is just snuff porn. I want to get to know the folks who are about to suffer; watch them interact, and then ultimately cringe when they get what's coming to them. The "twist" was forced and Shawnee Smith really felt like she was forcing her performance. The first one, while rough, was a neat concept and the second film was solid. Three was phoned in.
"The Prestige" was magnificent. Christopher Nolan and crew were at top form; the movie worked on so many levels I don't know where to begin and by just ranting I'm only going to expose secrets or spoil the film. Just... go see it. Scarlett Johansson shows up halfway through with her lips smeared six feet across the screen looking like some sort of giant 1980's red sofa and Michael Caine creepily guides us through the experience. No one cares about the man in the box indeed. ::shudder::
You know, holidays are kind of a bummer when the game you designed IS the big title...
Perhaps I'll listen to everyone's pleading and check out FF12.
After the Gears event in Chapel Hill (Quietdrive = great band) I found myself eating a late, late dinner and watching the costumed folks in downtown stumbling through the frigid evening.
I'm somewhat taken aback, thrilled, and fascinated by how women have managed to out whore each other year after year.
I actually saw a girl doing a version of the "Whipped cream bikini" from "Varsity Blues" strolling down the street. I'm not sure what she used for prop whipped cream but it seemed to be sticking as she managed to avoid getting molested by guys dressed up as Fred Flintstone.
Maybe it was Miracle Whip mixed with paste. Stickier, yet still edible.
For the first time in years I found myself without a costume. I was "guy who shipped product and was in a bit of a daze."
You know, I still have "ghost cord" with my Xbox 360. Whenever someone knocks on the door and Teddy goes running by to bark I consistently cringe, expecting the console to be yanked onto the floor or at least for the controller to be popped out with a TCR message along the lines of "you are Luminessing out a bit too hard; please plug the controller back in."
I think I'm almost used to not being in crunch mode once again. I've been able to enjoy some extracurricular activities for the first time in weeks including catching a few flicks.
"Saw 3" was weak sauce. Torture without context is just snuff porn. I want to get to know the folks who are about to suffer; watch them interact, and then ultimately cringe when they get what's coming to them. The "twist" was forced and Shawnee Smith really felt like she was forcing her performance. The first one, while rough, was a neat concept and the second film was solid. Three was phoned in.
"The Prestige" was magnificent. Christopher Nolan and crew were at top form; the movie worked on so many levels I don't know where to begin and by just ranting I'm only going to expose secrets or spoil the film. Just... go see it. Scarlett Johansson shows up halfway through with her lips smeared six feet across the screen looking like some sort of giant 1980's red sofa and Michael Caine creepily guides us through the experience. No one cares about the man in the box indeed. ::shudder::
You know, holidays are kind of a bummer when the game you designed IS the big title...
Perhaps I'll listen to everyone's pleading and check out FF12.